Here is a photo of Marika and Rio taken in our home in New Hampshire on our very last day as residence in the US.
See those lovely smiles? They were doing an awesome job of looking for the best in what could only be a scary and stressful situation for a child, and looking for the fun and adventure in it. And, do you see that pile of suitcases? That is pretty much every THING they got to bring with them. Us adults brought some clothing that we needed, but otherwise left all the room we possibly could for Marika's dolls, Rio's Legos, board games the kids loved, etc. Most of what did not fit in those cases got sold, some was left behind and got stored at our friend's house (THANKS Melissa and Don) or my in-laws (THANKS Hank and Jan). Some of that has made it over bit by bit (photo albums and hardback books mostly), but most is still "gone" for all intents and purposes.
It's funny, when we talk about the move, even when it was happening, most people poo poo the idea that the "things" would really matter at all--even to a kid. I find it odd, that whenever a home is lost to fire--even if no one and no pet was injured, there is a great outpouring of support for the people who "lost everyTHING" People are totally sympathetic to the real sense of loss that one would feel to not be able to cuddle up in a favourite blanket, or pull out baby photos when in a nostalgic mood. Yet, tie that sense of loss to an overseas move, instead of a tragic fire--and, nope, sorry!, most people seem to think it is ridiculous for anyone, even a child, to care that those comforting things are not there for them. Weird.
It is an odd mindset--especially when you add in that in an international move, not only the THINGS are missing. The people you have been friends with, the language you have relied on, the culture you know and are comfortable with, he foods you love, it's all gone. All you have to rely on, the only familiar things in your life, are each other.
Which brings me to my kids. My amazing, incredible, WONDERFUL kids.
I am not sure that I have made it through a single week since we moved without hearing "it's so easy for kids" or something similar. Sigh. I have to say that there are days when it is really hard for me to remain gracious in the face of yet another such comment.
Perhaps, if you are moving an infant or toddler--a child young enough that her world is pretty much her family, and whose mind is busily engaged in acquiring language and culture anyway, then it might be easy. No doubt that a child under the age of 8 or so, whose brain still has language acquisition as an easy skill (this turns off between 8-10 for most people) and who is young enough to not miss much of consequence in school, will have a less difficult time than adult.
However, Marika and Rio had just turned 10 and 12 when we arrived here. They were too old to have an "easy" time of the language. They were smack dab in those middle school years that virtually EVERYONE recalls as some of the very hardest of childhood (or of life)--when self consciousness and worry are abundant, even when you are 100% familiar with your surroundings.
Those kids walked into 5th and 7th grades KNOWING they wouldn't understand the vast majority of what was said, that they truly did not know the culture, that they were (through absolutely no control of their own) misfits in every possible way. And they knew that if they encountered problems (with the material, or the teachers or other kids or anything) that their parents were virtually helpless to assist them as we knew just as little of the language and culture as they did. And they had the guts to do it day after day after day.
As an adult in a foreign country, people give me the benefit of the doubt. Most people assume I will never have the language down 100% and will always have an accent--and they are so nice and supportive of all the attempts I make. Adults are really very forgiving of missed cultural cues--they expect it. In fact, an interesting little tidbit is that many people with aspergers move to a new culture as adults--one theory is they are more comfortable as "foreigners" whose social oddities tend to be written off as cultural missteps. Tweens and teens, on the other hand, tend to expect other kids to adapt fast and to fit in quickly regardless of where they come from. AND, most adults expect that the kids will as well--back to that "it's so easy for kids" mentality.
All of that means, that no one cut Marika and Rio much slack. If they did not have everything, language, culture, school subjects, etc down in six months, people (young and old) tended to write them off as "not trying" or "not caring."
Of course, as it would with ANYone, it took a lot longer than 6 months to go from "never have had any German lessons or visited Germany at all" to "fitting in well, thanks"
It took a HUGE amount of work. Rio had to cope with a teacher who believed that since Rio was not fluent in German and has poor handwriting he was "not mentally competent" and was not worth spending time educating--one who ended up truly bullying Rio and encouraging the other kids to do so (we found out this attitude from a note that the teacher sent home with Rio on the last day Rio was in his class).
Thankfully, Rio now has wonderful supportive and caring teachers and with their help and his extremely hard work he has come a LONG way. He SPEAKS German almost like a native, though he still struggles to read and write it (he struggles with reading and writing even in English and it is compounded in German and there is not nearly the help here for a learning disability that there is in the US). He has made up for a LOT of what he missed as he floundered with a teacher who saw fit to basically exclude him from everything for close to two years--and we all have great hope that he will be "caught up" in another year or two.
It took amazing courage for Marika, who knew she relied solely on language to gauge feelings and intent to walk into rooms full of people whose language she did not fully understand. She did not know that the rest of us picked things up from tone and body language as much as from spoken words, and we didn't know she didn't have the ability to do this to know what a disadvantage she would be at (she was diagnosed with Autism here in Germany). She has shown remarkable strength to work with German speaking therapists to learn skills that most people come by naturally but she does not, when she was faced with losing her primary means of compensating (her remarkable understanding of the nuances of English).
Any time that I stop to think about it, I am astounded and humbled by the courage and grace and tenacity with which my kids have handled this great adventure of ours. In many ways, those two teenagers have dealt with more stress in the last 5 years than typical adults deal with in a lifetime--and they have come out on the other end as strong, ambitious, intelligent and confident teenagers who I am sure will succeed in building good lives for themselves.
So, if you ever meet someone who has uprooted their kids and moved them to a whole new world, I hope that after reading this your impulse might be to say "wow, that must have been hard for the kids" instead of "well, it's so easy for kids" and maybe you can all join me in sending kudos to two people I really admire:
Marika and Rio.
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